A Letter to Dad

One of my students and her father were really struggling with their relationship when it came to softball. These are two absolutely wonderful people, but in an effort to help her reach her dreams, he often tried too hard, took too much responsibility, felt some guilt, or pushed the wrong buttons. He only wanted the best for her. We had a serious discussion about it. His answer was transformative.
In order to take all of the personality out of it, he asked his daughter to write him a letter telling how he could help her most. The letter was sweet, heartfelt, and showed the immense respect she has for him, but it was also very honest. He read it in private, allowed time for the emotions to settle, and set about to become the dad and mentor she needed. Within a couple of days he reported that things have never been better in their relationship and in her performance.
What a wonderful insight. I respect him so much for that. I later suggested this to another parent and his response was, “I am afraid of what she might say”. That tends toward dysfunction. If she is thinking it and not saying it, this cannot be a healthy relationship. The boiling point is near and it could last a lifetime. Fix it now while you can.
Another said, “This is the way I am. Take it or leave it. I can’t change who I am”. Really! You ask her to make adjustments, but refuse to demonstrate your willingness to make little changes that will help her perform better. Your actions speak louder than your words. Be a mentor while she is still receptive.
Can this approach work for you? There are other alternatives. Go for a walk in the park, go to dinner together, or just sit quietly on the deck and listen to her very closely, without comment. She talks, you listen. The entire objective is to discover ways you can improve yourself, not to continue trying to fix her. Allow your love to overpower your ego.
We all want the best for our kids. We understand that. However, there are times when we parents are so busy talking that we forget to listen to what they are trying to say.
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